What is Domestic Violence?

Domestic violence is a pattern of coercive behavior in which one person attempts to control another through threats or actual use of physical violence, sexual assault, and verbal or psychological abuse.

Domestic violence is a problem that affects every community across the country. Victims and abusers come from all ethnic groups and all cultures, all backgrounds, among all ages, all income levels, all faiths, all relationship types, and all education levels.

Domestic violence is not a private matter, a family problem, a domestic "squabble" or a "fight." It is not a momentary loss of temper or the abuse of drugs and alcohol. Violence is a choice the abuser makes.

Domestic violence isolates the victim and robs her/him of inner strength, self-worth and the ability to make her/his own choices. S/he begins to believe s/he is responsible for the abuse.

Domestic violence traumatizes children, destroying their ability to feel safe in the world and causing them to feel responsible for the abuse.

Violence against a family member or intimate partner is a crime and the perpetrator can be arrested and prosecuted.

The following list of behaviors may help you identify any current or past physical, sexual, or emotional abuse.

What is physical abuse?

You have been physically abused if another person has:

• Pushed and shoved you
• Held you down and kept you from leaving or getting up
• Bitten, choked or kicked you
• Hit or punched you, which may or may not result in visible injury
• Tied or otherwise physically restrained you
• Thrown objects at you which may or may not have hit you
• Locked you out of your house
• Abandoned you in dangerous places
• Refused to help you (e.g., get medical help) when you were injured or pregnant
• Forced you to ride in the car when he/she is driving recklessly and endangering your life or the lives of your children
• Pulled your hair, or your arms, legs, or other body parts
• Dragged you
• Ripped your clothing
• Forced you off the road or kept you from driving
• Raped you
• Threatened you with a weapon, used a weapon on you, or threatened to kill you
• Hit or beat you with other objects
• Stabbed or burned you

What is sexual abuse?

You have been sexually abused or harassed if a person has:

• Told anti-woman jokes and/or made demeaning remarks about women of a sexual nature
• Treated women as sex objects
• Gotten jealous, angry, and/or assumed you would or were having sex with any available man or woman
• Insisted that you dress in a more sexual way than you wanted or made demeaning remarks about how you dressed
• Made demeaning remarks about your body or body parts
• Minimized your feelings about sex
• Berated you about your sexual history
• Blamed you if you were sexually abused in the past or as a child
• Criticized you sexually; called you frigid
• Insisted on touching you sexually when you did not want to be touched
• When you were alone, or in the presence of others, called you a whore or a slut
• Withheld sexual affection
• Forced you to strip when you did not want to - alone or in the presence of others
• Forced you to watch him/her have sex with others
• Forced particular unwanted sexual acts
• Forced sex after battering
• Forced sex when you were sick or it was a danger to your health
• Forced you to have sex with him/her
• Sex with the purpose of hurting you with objects or weapons
• Committed sadistic sexual acts
• Forced you to pose for sexual photographs
• Forced you to have sex with animals

What is emotional abuse:

You have been emotionally abused if another person has:

• Ignored your feelings and/or belittled them
• Ridiculed or insulted women as a group, calling them crazy, emotional, stupid, etc.
• Withheld approval, appreciation, or affection as punishment
• Continually criticized you, called you, shouted at you; nothing is ever good enough no matter what you do or how hard you try
• Insulted your friends and/or family; driving them away
• Humiliated you in private or public
• Refused to socialize with you - going out with you, but then totally ignoring you when out
• Kept you from working, controlled your money, made all the decisions, demanded you seek permission to do or have anything
• Refused to work or share money
• Taken car keys or money away
• Destroyed, sold, or given away things which are of importance or value to you
• Regularly threatened to leave or told you to leave
• Threatened to hurt your family and/or friends
• Punished or deprived the children when he/she was angry at you; treated the children specially, but excluded you, when he/she was angry at you
• Threatened to kidnap children if you ever left
• Blamed you for any problems (real or perceived) with the children
• Abused pets to hurt you
• Told you about his/her affairs to humiliate you
• Harassed you about affairs he/she imagined you were having
• Manipulated you with lies or contradictions
• Manipulated you with emotions - e.g., threatening to kill him/herself if you left, other forms of emotional blackmail
• Told you it was your fault when he/she physically or sexually abused you - that you asked for it, liked it, or deserved it
• Denied that his/her behavior is abusive and/or minimized the abuse - calling you crazy, weak, stupid; accusing you of making it up, not being able to handle it, etc.

The Power and Control Wheel, developed by the Minnesota Domestic Violence Intervention Project, illustrates many of the behaviors that occur in an abusive relationship.
Adapted from the Minnesota Coalition Against Domestic Violence

Click here for more information on Domestic Violence.

Battered Women's Project
24-hour hotline
1-800-439-2323 / out of state 207-769-8251